[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
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There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
New favorite tiktok
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I was bored.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries