My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Leonardo DiCaprisun