My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help