My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
You Might Also Like
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Go girl power!
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea