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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion