Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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there has never been a better use of this meme
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
They must have gotten it to go.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now