@WeissBrandon: My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she's racist
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@Reverend_Scott: DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I'm not sure how to tell you this, but... you're adopted. DOG: OMG THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE
@AristotlesNZ: Wife: Who let the boys out? Me: Woof woof woof! Her: Who let the boys out?! Me: Woof woof woof! Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET! Me: I'm going..
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Your resume says you're good at jumping to conclusions?" Me: "When can I start?"