My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
You Might Also Like
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner