My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
You Might Also Like
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities