@TheMichaelRock: My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I'm pretty sure the cashier thinks I'm making a girlfriend.
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@Robert_Beau: CW: The boss said she wanted to see you. Me: That's flattering, but I don't date people from work.
@CA_Country: My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you'll need a shovel and map to find him.
@CaptainJerkwad: Went to a restaurant. The sign said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
@WheelTod: My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.