@TheMichaelRock: My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I'm pretty sure the cashier thinks I'm making a girlfriend.
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@scorpiusryan21: Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur
@rachaelkelly18: I love how coffee tricks me into believing I'm in a good mood for about 27 minutes
@looktothepickle: Girl, tonight I'm gonna let my body do all the talking.. *squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!
@HatfieldAnne: “Keep pumping until something happens.” -Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I've understood.