My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
One of the best
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.