My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.