My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Meat Cute
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?