My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car