My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes