My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.