My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!