As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark