@Lakeoconeebldr: My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
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@WheelTod: Shrimp: My mom's coming to visit Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year? S:She's lonely Wife: Oh grow a spi... S: Grow a what, Karen?
@kelkulus: Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*
@_mindflakes: "Please stop misquoting me on Twitter," said my boss. "It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut"