Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
You Might Also Like
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
This kid is a star!
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment