@BigHeb7: My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: In the eye doctor waiting room with my mom. There's apparently an old person throat clearing competition here today.
@Julie_McGann1: I'm off to a 3yr olds party. There'll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
@Sarcasticsapien: Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I'm going to prison.
@tastefactory: "What're you in for?" "I had a solid tweet *takes drag off cigarette* and no one faved it. I just lost it." "We've all been there, brother."