My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
But I really needed water water water
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”