White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
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Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Oh my God.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!