Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…