@sucittaM: My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.
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@trojansauce: KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
@WineMummy: When you're on a date that's not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis. You're welcome.
@ColesTwitt3r: i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video