Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
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IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.