her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
The dark side of Canada
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?