My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.