My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham