@Brianhopecomedy: My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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@bobvulfov: COP: careful, this guy's insane DETECTIVE: ok [he walks into the interrogation room] ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos D: jesus christ
@dave_cactus: [at Red Lobster] WAITRESSES: *run toward me* ME: Red Lobster! WAITRESSES: *stop* ME: Green Lobster! WAITRESSES: *run* MANAGER: Okay, SIR...
@AdamOfEarth: Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.