My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.