@Brianhopecomedy: My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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@UNTRESOR: "How did you sleep?" "On my back, mostly. At one point I tried to climb into my dryer but I couldn't fit."
@ojedge: [1st date] [to self] Don't let her know ur a boa constrictor Her: "How's your meal?" [i've dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
@amberfw: A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, "Which one's yours?" I replied, "None of them... yet."
@farleftcoast: Sometimes I get really stoned and stare at phone and wonder why I pay so much money for a government tracking device.