My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels