My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
<- sleeps well with others
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for