My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
same vibe as tangled headphones
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.