My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Just a bush.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My five year plan is a meteorite
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.