My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
You Might Also Like
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?