“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
choose your gary
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.