My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
You Might Also Like
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
#winning
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: