My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
i- i did not expect this
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
i’m sure it’s fine
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.