My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
You Might Also Like
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Remember folks 😂
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.