My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.