Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch