I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
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Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
sir, my pâté if you please
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi