@omgthatspunny: My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said only mails work here.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.
@CindyMeakin: What did the boy with no hands get for christmas? Gloves! Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet.
@UNTRESOR: Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it's that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.