My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.