My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.