My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
This could be us… but you playing
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask