[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.