My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream