My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
You Might Also Like
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Worlds greatest photobomb
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me