[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy