My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Bootstraps
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”