@WetzelGeek: My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I'll be on a short leash though so I won't run off into the woods like last time.
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@UncleDuke1969: [Heaven] Me: What happened? God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus. Me: I only have one ques- God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
@KeetPotato: "just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant" IT dude: "ok here's your new mouse" [just fkn destroys the place]
@XplodingUnicorn: I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old. After hearing myself say it out loud, I'm pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
@joeheenan: I've discovered my home doesn't have a basement. It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch