My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life