My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.